Filler

I try not to get scared.

The question is whether that is really possible. Or is the real question what is there to be afraid of? I'm afraid of the dark, and not in the 'oh the lights are off' sort of way. I'm afraid of that slow count down towards the solstice, the inevitable march towards the early evening.

If you take it at face value it bothers me. I don't like short days. Yet, in a world where people put meaning where it isn't or shouldn't be, it denotes the tick tock towards the unknown. I'm a bit of a nihilist, but I recognize the need for some self imposed meaning in one's life to enable a semblance of progression, even if not on the grander scale. Find reason to exist in the now.

What I'm trying to say is that I get broody in the fall. Funky, but not dancing. In a funk. The evenings are long and I stew through them. I'm counting down to a placement that has been my focus for almost two years. Next year I should be in Japan working, for upwards of a year no less. This is exhilarating, the best news I've had in a long time. So why is it terrifying?

The opportunity is amazing, and beyond a shadow of a doubt I'm taking it. Yet people tether. Even when I don't mean to, or try not to, I root. Avoid all the intimacy and commitment you can and you'll still find yourself apprehensive to pick up and part. You'll miss the family, the familiarity and the feeling of a place at a time. I've learned in the past couple years that when you live in a world that can be dark and scary like ours, find what makes you happy and keep it close. Friends and relationships may often be fads and fleeting, but they are crucial for getting through the now. Much like the darkness, impenetrable by sight, there is always a fear of what is hiding in the future.

There is a quote by T. Harv Eker that reads:

"Nobody ever died of discomfort, yet living in the name of comfort has killed more ideas, more opportunities, more actions, and more growth than everything else combined. Comfort Kills."

In the words of me, the irony is that the biggest hindrance to you living your life is life itself. I'm not really afraid of the dark, or of the fall, or of being out of Canada. I'm afraid of living my life.

... but I try not to get scared.

Live through this and I won't look back.



A song on my mind: