Guilty!

One of the most annoying things in this world is guilt. I don't regret that I may have a stupidly large capacity to feel empathy and remorse - but I hate the hold that such a basic feeling can have over me.

If you're anything like me, guilt can be used like a giant hammer to smash your stalwart decisions to bits, regardless of how firmly you've made up your mind. I could be saving the world from cyborg-Nazis and all it would take is robotic Hitler shedding a tear and explaining how "stopping my regime does not compute" for me to pause and reconsider my actions. Sorry robo-Hitler, my bad!

Anyways, this was kind of put in perspective today when I was forced to cope with the magnitude of the hold guilt has on me. In preperation for our grand trip to Africa, my sister and I set out for Mountain Equipment Coop, greedily ventureing out to load up on cool gear.

The main objective of my visit was to buy new hiking boots. I had bought some boots almost a year prior that came with me to Peru - but I gave them a rough ride, and they are in paticularily rough shape (they're also ugly, uncomfortable and smell like rotting corpses).

Hiking boots fall into that exciting category of footwear, in that you usually own them just long enough that you really want to buy the right pair. As a consequence I had studied up on the selection online and firmly came to a decision on what I was going to buy - before even stepping into the store.

So, as you can imagine, I paraded into the store and gleefully marched to the boots. I plucked the demo pair of my prize from the wall and held it over my head like I had just won the heavy weight belt of professional kick assery.

Like any smart consumer, I did the obvious thing and turned to the closest sales representative to ask them what they would recommend. This was so that I could reach my quota of highfives, compliments on how awesome I am, and to watch them grab the manager so that he could beg me to work there. Everyone wants super-informed-consumer-Sean on their staff!

The sales representative, henceforth refered to as Randal, happened to be an elderly man, possibly in his late sixities, with a strong german accent and a penchant for making awkward eye contact. Randal was a soul searcher - that is to say that he reached into your eyes with his locked-in glare, until he found your soul and forcefully yanked it out. Persumably to feed on it for sustenance.

With much conviction and enthusiasm I gave Randal the quick run-down on what I needed the boots for, all the while holding up my prized jewel and leaning in for the congratulatory back pat. You can imagine then that I was a little distraught when Randal snatched it from my hand and made a quick, barely understandable quip, the sole intelligable word being "flimsy", and shoved it back into it's holder. Instead, pawing another boot from the wall that was "sturdier" and about as appealing to look at as fecal matter.

Crushed. Thanks Randal - you elderly-german-soul-crushing monster.

So inevitably I ended up trying them both on, and much to my pleasure Randal's selection was about as comfortable as wearing hollowed out bricks. Conversely, I am awesome at knowing what is great, and my selection felt like running in clouds that were lined with velvet and rainbows.


This photo by Jessica Tekenos. It is win.

However, as I was leaving the section with box in hand, I had the unfortunate task of telling Randal that I didn't want to go with his suggestion. This is where the guilt thing comes in - why do I feel so impeccably bad for not taking the advice of a random stranger?

Now, Randal probably didn't give a shit that I had chosen another boot than the one he recommended - but to me he looked like this:






Here I was on the precipice of buying something that I genuinely wanted, and froze, considering running back to Randal - begging him to let me try on the ones he had advised.


Fuck you Randal! Why do you get this control over me?! Thankfully, I bought the boots I wanted the whole time:

Guilt sucks. I do not like that it can so easily make me stop dead and reconsider sure things! As someone that usually feels pretty confident in their actions, its impact is unnerving.

Ridiculous.

Thanks for Reading,

Sean

Child's Play

It has been almost three full months now since I started taking to the ice as an assistant hockey coach - and so far I can't say I'm disappointed. Children are a curious thing, in that there is so much we can learn from working from them. Now, I can't claim that I have a lot of experience with kids in a teaching capacity, but in such a short time I've already learned a great deal. Since I have an interest in doing some work down the road in the TESL industry, it is valuable to me to be as perceptive as possible.

When we are kids, we try so hard to have our opinions and ideas listened to, yet as soon as we become validated adults we are quick to ignore and downplay the voices of the youth. The children that I coach are young enough that they still remain almost completely unbiased by society. The advantage of this is that a lot of the behaviour and ideas exhibited from them come out unfiltered and raw. With this in mind, I would like to take the time to share some of the thoughts and insights I have garnered through my time spent coaching six-year olds:


Children are indestructable.
Don't take this the wrong way. I'm by no means telling you to fight children or blow them up - yet in a weird way, kids are a lot tougher than their adult counterparts. I'm not sure if it's because they are so close to the ground, or that often they are wearing a lot of padded equipment, but some of the collisions and hits I've seen these little kids shake off is incredible.

This is important to keep in mind. In a world that seems to be coming increasingly more nerf-like and padded, sometimes telling them to "walk it off" is still the best way to deal with a crying child. If a kid is crying, I'll ask them if they'll live. The answer is usually yes.


Children want to be listened to.
This is something I learned the value of first hand. There is a paticular kid that comes out to practice who is often distracted and unresponsive. Through the first few weeks I found this quite annoying - as he was often skating in circles and trying to tell me things while I was making an attempt at running a drill. With not much else working, I finally started listening to what he was trying to tell me. He was more than obliged to tell me about the hole in his glove and how he had some how managed to flip his mouth guard to have it rest uncomfortably over his bottom teeth.

Amazingly enough, the simple act of saying something so basic as "oh yeah?" or demonstrating how the palm on my hockey gloves are a ravaged tribute to their former glory was enough to make him a little more respondant. I listened to him, so he would listen to me.


Different things motivate different kids differently. (The redudancy was implied!)
Although it seems pretty self explanitory - the ability to be perceptive enough to figure out how to motivate individual kids is a tough job. How a kid responds to what you ask them to do is completely context dependant. Some kids want to be the best, no exceptions - and with these kids you have to make things seem inherently competitve. "I bet you can do the drill faster than every other kid!". Other children simply want to do something to the best of their abilities, and instead you would say "you did this well last time, lets try and do it even better!".

Then of course, there are my favourite kind that just want that sense of belonging. They want to feel like they are part of that group, and have the chance to participate with their peers. These are perhaps the easiest to motivate, as they seem to be at their peak just being there. I have over simplified, of course, but the point has been made - trying to figure out how to individually motivate a crowd of children on skates can be a daunting task.


Sometimes children are ridiculous.
This is one of the truest things I have ever said. This is neither good or bad, it just simply is (allbeit frustrating at times). I've heard these kids say things that are hilarious, and often shouldn't be encouraged, and yet can not refrain from laughing. During a paticular practice, I was promptly informed by one of the players that the drill we were doing was 'poo'. To reiterate the point so that I firmly understood his stance on the task at hand, he began spelling it out to me in song: "P-O-O!". How do you not laugh? Yet for the integrity of the drill and the practice as a whole, I can't encourage it - so I have to skate away smiling, and hope they didn't see me crack.

I've been growled at and hissed at, slashed in the back of skates. I've been told very firmly that I "am going down, punk" and whole heartedly convinced that a line of kids had come down with something paticularily potent - as they all seemed to have broken out into uncontrollable wiggles, not a single one among them able to stand still.

Conversley I have been told I was their favourite coach, told I was loved, and attack hugged while not paying attention. When the bad is good and the good is pretty good, then I consider myself fairly lucky to have this oppurtunity to coach.

I have habits as bad as the kids.
I suppose out of all the insights, this may be the most important one for me. It is easy when you're working with kids to assume yourself the infallible dictator. This is helped along by the fact that with skates I stand a good 6'2, and thus feel like an island in the sea when surrounded by six-year-olds.

Thus, it can inherently difficult to stop and asess whether the way in which you are trying to run a drill could be improved or altered. If one kid isn't figureing out the drill then it may be that he hasn't payed much attention - but if all of them are confused, then you're probably to blame.

That said, here are some examples of mine:

- I say 'guys' way too much. This isn't a terrible problem, but a lot like 'um' during public speaking, if I took the time to count the usage, it would probably be outrageous.

- I forget the necessity of demonstration. Even though I am actually a visual learner, I often forget that I can't just talk at a mob of wide-eyed faces and expect them to know what they're going to do.

- Sometimes I talk to loud / quiet for a given situation. I can't expect to talk in an indoor voice and have all the kids hear me. Conversely I have to remember not to yell in an opposite situation. Yelling is sometimes necessary, but I don't think anyone wants to play the role of the scary coach.



It is important to remember that children are human. As a result, they are every bit as smart and intuitive as any adult. It is scary how fast they understand when a certain drill or lesson isn't going correctly, or if the teacher / coach doesn't know how to handle a situation.

I think for that reason, working with kids requires a baseline ability to bluff - looking in control even if you have no idea what is going on. I'm still working on this part of my repertoire, but it gets a little easier every time. As excited as I am for my upcoming trip to Africa (<---it's a link), I do regret that I will be unable to continue working with these kids into the new year. As much as I've taught them in the basics of hockey, they've returned it ten fold in helping me learn how to get the most out of them.

That is all for now,

Much love,

Sean

Learn the Spectrum

I would like to dedicate this post to Christopher Luke Zweerman. Although I didn't know him as well as others, our interactions were always friendly and jovial. He liked to joke, have fun, and could stop a puck or two if you got him in equipment. RIP, Chris, you'll be missed.

The main content of this post was originally found at the very end of my previous one. However, it never really flowed with the content of that last blog and for obvious reasons seemed like a disjointed tac-on. Thus, with much deliberation, I have decided to move it here on its own. Yet, as not to completely make this a stale post, and reward those who are here that read 'essentially' this last time - I've included a limited edition, crudely drawn, photo of excellence at the bottom.

We begin,

In a very cliche way, I've recently become a little more introspective than normal. I believe it's a direct consequence of living through this 'empty' period of time before a great adventure. I don't know how to directly explain what I mean by this, so I will explain it the best I can by using an example.

About two weeks ago I went out for a walk in the rain. This was before daylights savings time had kicked in, so when I left around six, the sun was still in the sky (allbeit hovering omniously close to the horizon). As I was trudging through a muddy field in my rubber boots, I was by chance, fortunate enough to be heading west.

What I saw may have been one of the most unexpected, most beautiful things I've ever seen. As the sun was setting on that rainy evening, it was casting a crimson red back-glow to the thin grey cloud cover of the horizon, tapering to a blazing orange where the sky met the ground. The effect, in essence, was a sky on fire. It honestly looked as if someone had taken a match to a kerosene rag and stuck it to the heavens. In that moment, as I stood alone, I was left wondering if I could truly be the only one taking the time to appreciate this spectacle.

Sometimes you are left asking yourself: is this reality mine, and mine alone? Honestly, I don't think it can be. Yet, that is the problem when you are forced to examine your own mind: some of the conclusions you reach are not always what you would expect.

It is a sad thought to believe that the full glory of the moment was wasted on a single person. Therefore, instead, I will approach it with the mindset that I was lucky enough to witness it - and the honour was all mine.

Love the little things, even if they seem so inconsequential at the time; you never know when you will have the chance again.

RIP Chris.



Now as promised, here is a picture, hand drawn by me. I used all the materials at my disposal to really set the mood, and make it as realistic as possible. Furthermore, it's educational - so you can show it to your kids in the future, and they'll know... what alcohol does to your brain.




Now that's what I call shading!

Thanks for Reading,

Much Love,

Sean

A Date With Africa

I've never really cared for this month. November is one of those inbetweener months where nothing really happens, much like May (or February before family day rolled in). However, what May has going for it, that November can never boast, is a warming of the air and gradually increasing sunlight. In contrast, November assaults me with a chill and a thin layer of frost on my windshield come sun up. There are no holidays in it, and the only real event is day lights savings time. I'll never appreciate any mechanism that shortens my exposure to the sun.

That said, I'm in a pretty positive mood these days. The past couple weeks have gone by without any real definitive moment - but contained a lightness of mind that I havn't experienced in a while. I guess the main reason is that shortly before Halloween I gave my notice of leave. At that exact moment the job no longer became who I was, but instead a transition step towards who I am becoming. I am still going about my job with a smile until the end of the year, but no longer is it my future as well as my present.

Furthermore, I've just started waking in the morning with the apprehension that comes when something big is looming on the horizon. I said this once in a previous post, but I find the fear of the unknown exhilerating. I literally just got off the phone with my sister, and it seems that we finally have agreed on a route. With our tickets likely being booked within the next day or so, I'll share our planned iternerary with you now.

During the first week of January we will be departing from Toronto towards Kigali, Rwanda. Since we're cheap, and will sacrafice our comfort to save a dime, our flight over contains a couple of stops: Chicago and Brussells. Unfortunately it sounds like out time in Belgium will be limited, which really is a shame.

Once in Kigali we will be picked up and be taken to our campsite in the Mgahinga National Park of Uganda; Visas will be grabbed at the border as we pass through. Mgahinga will be where we spend the majority of our time in Africa.


Youtube Video of Mgahinga National Park
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F7ivtRSKmjU&feature=player_embedded

While there, our main objective will be to observe and record data pretaining to the Golden Monkey populations there. The Golden Monkeys are an old world monkey that are endemic to this part of Africa. If you google image search them you will most likely come up with pictures of furry blue-faced beasts, that are native of Asia. The ones we are working with are actually Guenons, a type of primate, which have forward facing eyes and opposable thumbs.



The Monkeys have an untapped tourist potential, and require further human habituation to make them more attractice to visitors. With tourism will come government protection of its assets, and then maybe this endagered species will stand a better chance going forward.


On top of that, some time will be spent in the schools of the local community, working with the children and teaching the importance of conservation. Extra days of the week can be used at my discretion, and I am sincerely hoping that I can garner some experience working with the field vetrinarians.

Furthermore, from the sounds of it, our permanent residence while working there will be in the same area that all the tourists use as they come. This means that on a daily basis I will be able to intercept, meet, and talk new people. Meeting new people on any given day can be kind of a mediocre experience, but something about new people while traveling is more addictive than heroin. Sweet!

Three months after arriving in Uganda we will take our leave of the jungle and head north to the capital of Uganda: Kampala, situated on the north-west end of Lake Victoria. If Jessica hasn't lied to me, then from here we'll be able to do some tours of the Nile River via kick ass white water rafting.

Kampala Tourist Website
http://www.backpackers.co.ug/rafting.html


From Kampala, we plan to work our way down the east coast of Victoria into northern Tanzania, which boasts such sights as the Serengeti national park, ngorongoro crater, and my prized jewel: Mount Kilimanjaro. We are climbing that bastard. Any mountain that boasts the transition of 7 different ecosystems as you climb sounds amazing. Not to mention that after doing the Inca Trail, few things can make you feel as mentally and physically accomplished as a mountain climb. I destroyed the Inca trail, this is next.

Another borrowed youtube video:


After that we're heading to the coast, and the Indian Ocean. I've had the pleasure of putting my foot in the Atlantic and Pacific, but I won't miss the chance to cross a third from the list. From the coast we will fly out of Tanzania and into the last country on our trip: Egypt. Our plans for Egypt arn't in any way finite, but it sounds like visas are obtainable upon landing, and we'll have a good week or two to kill once there. Recent communications with friends have led me to believe that it is awesome.

And, that is it. Pretty awful, right? I am so excited!

Once again I've written too much, and as a result I will end here. I would rather bring you a lot of good thoughts, instead of little bits of tripe daily - so I will use that as an excuse for my infrequency.

Thanks for reading, much love,

Sean

A Moral Obligation

Ted Talk:
Science Can Answer Moral Questions



Questions of good and evil, right and wrong are commonly thought unanswerable by science. But Sam Harris argues that science can — and should — be an authority on moral issues, shaping human values and setting out what constitutes a good life. (Recorded at TED2010, February 2010 in Long Beach, CA. Duration: 23:07)

morality: "concern with the distinction between good and evil or right and wrong; right or good conduct"

Anyone that knows me in any capacity will have some idea that I'm not religious. Infact, the best way to put it is that I'm about as religious as I am not. I'm a cop out, an agnostic with a sympathsizing ear to athestic logic. One thing I definitely am, is pro-science. Being able to apply a simple logic to the way my life unfolds is comforting to me. Science is not a beliefs system. Science is NOT religion. Science is a quest for knowledge.

Now, usually, this is well and good. On any given day I am free to go about my buisness and run my life in this capacity, generally unabated. However, it has come to my attention in the past few years that the field of science is often viewed as vehemently anti-religious in an active capacity. I really don't feel like sparking any real debate on this topic, as if science and religion were two head to head ideologies. I have strong opinions on many facets of religion, and will share them if you ask me. However, for the sake of this blog I would like to make my position on morality as a dependant on religion clear.

Religion is NOT a crutch for morality. Morality Can exist without it.

Let me start with a hypothetical. Lets say I was grocery shopping, and while I was trying to walk down the isle there were little children darting every which way and impeding my progress. I easily could push that child aside - yet do not. Now I made the moral decision to myself that it was wrong to push a child.

I did NOT need religion to help me make this moral choice. Am I to believe the only reason I might not have pushed that kid was because God says it's wrong?

I do not steal because I have a base sense of what rightfully belongs to me. I don't murder because it is essentially the ultimate form of theft. Someone's life certainly does not belong to me, and I have no right to take it away.

In fact I'll put it to you to tell me how doing things only for the sake of 'religious morality' is in itself not purely selfish. Is a person of faith making the right decisions because they are concerned with where they will end up? I pity an existence where I can not contribute to this earth for the pure sake of doing it. Every nice thing I do out of a religion-based morality is actively selfish.

If God exists and is truly omnipotent, do you think he'd be more impressed with someone who makes moral choices because he told them to, or because they honeslty feel it's the right thing to do? Now begin questioning your motivations. I have met salt of the earth atheists and evil as sin born-agains, not to mention every combination inbetween.

Morality does not equal religion. Morality and religion should not go hand and hand.

I would really love feedback on this one. I would love to know your thoughts. I'm not stating my beliefs behind a wall of anonymity, and as a consequence respect and invite any opinion on the this delicate matter; good or bad.

Much love, much respect.

Peace in the east,
Sean

Ask Me Weather I Care

Canadians must be boring. This may sound like a gross generalization, but I'm being forced to make this assumption based upon the sheer amount of idle chatter I've been stumbling into regarding the weather.

Why are Canadians as a nation so fixated on this topic? How come at some point in every conversation it creeps in to fill the silence? Do we as a people have nothing better to say? If your ability to converse with me is so strained that all you can do is state a fact like it is nice out, then why are we talking? Wouldn't it be mutually beneficial to both of us if we didn't force a conversation about something that we both walked through on our way into the office? Call me crazy, but it makes as much sense to me as having the following conversation:

You - "Hey Sean, your shirt is green."
Me - "Ah, yes, it is. Your hair is brown."
-fin-

Is there anything to be gained here? I enjoy a good conversation as much as the next person, but I certainly won't be offended if you give me a nod and silence absent of awkward observations of the mundane. I'm not a great talker. I am very bad at generating and maintaining a conversation that I have no vested interest in. I'll respect you 100% more if you save me from it. If you have my attention, you'll know my opinion.

Please don't even get me started on our ability to complain. More precisly, complain about the weather. Combining our want to babble about the weather with our ability to complain is like the perfect storm of annoying Canadian habits. The only thing worse than hearing "it's too hot" and "it's too cold" is when in the fall, I have to hear both every other day. Gah!

I suppose I'm just bitter; the weekend course I was taking has just concluded and most of my human interaction for the next three months is limited to work. For those of you without a job where nothing much changes from day to day, you will find out that weather chat becomes a staple in your people skills around the water cooler. I'm going to miss those classes very much in part due to conversations of substance.

I'm as guilty as the next person sometimes in regards to using it as a tool to fill the awkward silence. Therefore, how about we agree going forward that we'll fill the awkward pauses with something a little less obvious. Tell me about you. Tell me about your life. Just respect me enough to assume I can see what is happening outside my window. Save the weather chat for the blind.